Jane Nicole

Well there ya go.

  • Uncertain, only most of the time.

    by

    Jane

    Religion and spirituality both intrigue and disturb me. At the most basic understanding: on one hand it’s weird that life has been on this planet for so long but what happens when we die or how we experience our living experiences is somehow tied to something mystical and bigger than we may comprehend; however, on the other hand, seeing all there is of this world — the beauty, the tragedy, the complexity and the simplicity — it’s difficult to grasp that this is random, or if not random, still all there is, unless one holds a more atheistic worldview. But then it’s hard to grasp, for me and the other non-religious I assume, that any one worldview is the correct worldview. I mean this thought of mine may be elementary, but the fact people have the ability to have so many different beliefs, faiths, non-faiths, and ideologies amuck seems strange only one group can be right.

    Personally I run more literal. I have difficulty picking a side on things that cannot be proven and that is belief. I can pick a side on living matters such as abortion, immigration, etc. And I am flexible rather than rigid when it comes to understanding complexity and nuance of those matters. I also trust my moral compass and can be quite passionate about right and wrong.

    Belief is different. I mean, yes, one can be either rigid or flexible in their worldviews and such, but truly believing in something that has more feeling and/or interpretation than fact feels sticky. Not because I have to be right, but because I have a harder time grasping it.

    I have this mentality of everyone having the right to freely be themselves and live their lives as they see fit and being alive means you have inalienable rights to prosperity and happiness. As long as one isn’t out harming others intentionally, I disagree with hierarchies because we are all living beings. Maybe that’s anarchy, I don’t know for sure, but it leads to my feelings that everyone has the right to believe as they wish and when I hold that ideal, I find it difficult to adhere to any particular worldview.

    I don’t know why we are here, I don’t know what comes next, I know beliefs and certain ideologies can intrigue me, but I can’t choose any one path to walk so I sit in contemplation.

  • Why?

    by

    Jane

    That’s been my question since the phase one has in toddlerhood where everything is responded to with why, if not responded to with the other favorited, “no!” response. For me it wasn’t a phase, it was everything moving forward.

    I recently came across a Christian Poet (I am not Christian nor a Poet, but I am undoubtedly a curious creature) and she brought up the book of Job, which in my own words goes a man that was happy in life who suffered at the hands of a supposed God who even though he is all powerful, all knowing and creator, felt thrusted to prove the Devil wrong about why people believed in the almighty. Hey, it’s an interpretive text and that is my interpretation.

    Spoiler alert: Job’s family, animals, etc are slaughtered and destroyed and surprisingly, his faith never wavers.

    That was a long round about to her point which is based on her own interpretation that is probably more thoughtful and well articulated, is how we need not ask why and just accept what is.

    I probably don’t sound like it here, but I have a very analytical mind and what makes it a bit mucky, or extremely mucky if we are being honest, is my emotions tend to be the driver. A brain led by the heart is not an easy road to navigate (in my particular circumstance, I suppose).

    I have the tendency to ponder, contemplate, think about in every which way I can, why people do what they do. And I am not an expert, but it seems to me that is a very difficult thing to ponder when you’re not privy to people’s minds other than your own.

    I mean even in true crime, if there’s not physical line of evidence such as insurance policies, inheritance, robbery, affairs, or the person admitting their motive, a lot of people are locked up being the only persons who know why they did what they did. The rest of it is just speculation.

    And that my friends is what I need to work on. Less speculation about someone’s actions or inactions and more on what their action means to me.

    This is honestly a very new lesson for me. I have lived a life of speculating the why of things and now I want to just be. We shall see if this leopard can change her spots. Har har.

  • Things I am unapologetically accepting… starting now.

    by

    Jane
    • Not leaving my house if I don’t want to.
    • My distaste for messy connections.*
    • My need for clarity and communication. If there’s a problem, lets listen, collaborate and solve it. Ice, ice baby.
    • My dislike of crowds and grocery stores.
    • The fact I am a true metal head who looks absolutely nothing of the sort. It’s my favorite genre.
    • Feeling like a teenager when I have far surpassed such an era.
    • My current journey that does not meet “societal expectations”.
    • Spending time alone because I am my favorite hang.
    • Without exaggeration I abhor research even though I am in a research major. Luckily there is more than research that this degree is useful for. Anyone wanna take a crack at my SPSS Lab assignment?
    • That I finally am completing my bachelors at 40. I know, I know, there are no timelines.
    • I’m letting go of the fact I am not the book lover I once was, but maybe one day will find my way back.
    • That I have little patience for things that are of no interest to me.
    • That I do have judgmental thoughts/feelings toward those who openly judge and criticize others.
    • That my indecision does stem from my multi-perspective seeing and seeking.
    • The fact I don’t understand how the “typical” person (not sociopath, psychopath, or narcissist, etc.) can lack base level empathy, being able to simply understand we are all human/animals/living beings and the hierarchy they may be operating from is a fabrication. But I digress.
    • That I enjoy meaningful conversations.
    • I do ask a lot of questions at times, it’s my curious nature.
    • Lastly, I unapologetically accept that any of the above or unlisted is liable to change at any given moment. I am a fickle gal, super unapologetically.
    ───── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ─────

    *messy connection: falling out with a person with whom you have mutual friends. I am liable to cut ties to all to eliminate the back and forth of the mutual telling details of one another’s lives to one another. Not my jam. But that is only based on one real circumstance, well maybe 2. Yeah, 2.